Experience Points: Battling Life
- Sep 5, 2018
- 6 min read
Once again, I'm sitting down typing a blog post. The last time I did a post was 3 days before my 27th birthday. Now I'm Sterlyng who is 28 years old, longer dreads, more stories, and a mild obsession with Lo-Fi Hip Hop. Long story short: Some things have changed and some things haven't. The last post was more like a life update so that everyone could get the behind the scenes scoop on my life, and this is gonna be the same, so people can see what happens in my life besides the food pictures, the video games that I'm beating, and the throwback photos of when times were simpler, I didn't have to work about cooking my own food, and the only stress was getting A's and B's in school.
I've thought long and hard about this post and whether or not to post it, and it's been sitting on my laptop a few days. (I type up a lot of stuff, but I just keep on my laptop. Instead of just keeping it in, I just release it by typing it out so it keeps me sane!) I also feel like a yearly check-in of sorts is ok. I've been changing and making edits at the house, at my job, at a friend's house, and at a coffee shop. One of the deciding factors was the message at church and the fact that it dealt with my situation in some way and how I'm feeling. It's a long post, and feel free to not read it in one sitting (Or you don't have to read it at all. If you made it this far, though, I'm assuming you're here for the long haul!). I was gonna separate it for multiple posts, but I didn't think it would be right to split this story up into two. Take a break, get some popcorn, do what you gotta do.
Before I start it off, as far as the not so good stuff that's happened, most of it was on me. This is not to throw a pity party and say I have met with a terrible fate. This is just to let people know how things are, how I really feel, some of my thoughts, and lessons learned through this process. I am not invincible, I am not a unicorn, and just like people have peaks and valleys in life, this is one of my valley times. The quick version of the good is that I've "technically" achieved my dream of doing Music/Sound design in a video game (Thanks GameCake!), I have a solid group of friends that I can connect with, I've also met new people (surprise) that I hang out with, and I'm still working in the video game industry. The quick version of the not so good is that I'm still crashing on the floor/couch (1 year anniversary just came and went. Shoutout to Jonny and Davon once again), I'm still broke like a lot of people, and also just like a lot of people, I have no clue what I'm doing, the process in which to do things, and if I'm even making any real progress (Insert laughing but crying emoji here). It's not fun, It's not where I want to be, it's not what I thought life would be like, and I want this season to end.
Like I stated before, I brought this upon myself. I didn't manage funds correctly (not that I was ballin, but I had enough), I passed up help when I probably should not have, etc. I chose to make life hard on myself with choosing a career with some valleys and a bit of startup time before things happen. I didn't like the process of starting (again) from the beginning after bartending, but I chose to do it. I had my warnings, I chose to not follow them, and it's on me. I also didn't have a mentor/still don't have a mentor at this point, which probably would've been a great place to start. I'm sure a lot of people are saying "You could've or can still work at ____ place and do _____ work. And you're right. But I probably wouldn't be able to say that I actually had a dream come true. Even if it's only for 1 little sound effect in the game, as a kid I dreamed of getting this done, and it happened. I can only hope that some people take this personal victory as a reason why you should follow dreams because they can come true! I will say that it does not come the way you expect it, and it is for sure not easy. This process/experience that I've gone through showed me that my vision was very….very small. In my last post, I established that I wanted to be a Community Manager of sorts which enhanced my vision. In this over 1 year anniversary…I feel like I haven't budged an inch.
By budged an inch, I mean E-mails to try and improve skills by volunteering have been for nothing or have gone unnoticed, things that I've tried to do/to learn have failed in ways that I didn't expect, being unable to apply things that I've learned or operate at Optimal Sterlyng with 110% Energy in general life probably hasn't happened in this whole year, and that warm fuzzy feeling at Anime Expo about what I wanted to do has yet to be replicated. Is it frustrating? I'm sure you guessed that it is (Insert various stories here). I've felt like giving up and getting a comfy job would be waaaay easier, because I would be able to afford things (like car registration, Health Insurance, you know….things that some of us millennials don't all have), problems would go away, and lots of other stuff. Things like being fatigued and frustrated are at the top of my list (stuff that was hinted at during my lesson at church with this being my setback season), and it's just stuff I've had to deal with. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way because I'm not even the only one in my circle that's dealing with this. I've felt like not being in Cali would be great, since I've felt isolated in a room full of people when I should be having tons of conversation, and I've hit some dark places where I just wanted to be alone and not deal with pressures. Is it because I purposely made life hard? Probably. Is it because I end up comparing myself to others and the things that they've achieved? Could be. If the great stuff is coming around the corner, it must be playing hide and seek, or it must be waiting around that corner to strike because it's hard to see the great things coming my way. I could say things like "Boy oh boy, I would love to win the lottery." And that's very true. Winning the lottery would solve a bunch of problems. It still wouldn't help me with my overall goal. BUT IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW…Man oh man….life would be great. And I guess that's what leads to some positive things, which are…
Lessons learned and the experience gained. One big thing I learned is to not limit yourself, which includes the amount of stuff that you pray for, the amount of stuff that you ask for, or the amount of work that can be done when you put your mind on a specific task. For me, I'm pretty much ok if I get just enough to get by or to succeed. Like not trying in school and getting ok grades, Asking/Praying for stuff, but it's just a bare amount of what I want, or getting the idea of doing something and just getting it done. I didn't limit myself when coming to LA (I moved to another coast knowing 1 person and no job), but I did limit what I wanted to do and what I asked for from God, and I guess that's where I made my mistake. I've learned from a really close friend (Shoutout to Britaney), that one thing she knows about me, once I truly….TRULY put my mind on a task, I pretty much do all I have to do until it gets done, and nothing limits my ability to do something, cause it's gonna get done. I never noticed it, but she's one of the few people that did, and I had to thank her because I never really noticed it! The second thing is to not be afraid of change because doing what you want will lead to something you never thought of doing. If I would've never gotten out of my shell and talked about video games, I wouldn't consider doing it as a job. All of this will come with my "comeback" portion of life since now I'm in the "Setback" portion. These lessons learned (I'm hoping) will make sense as the years go on. So that's that! At this point, All I can ask for is prayers that I move forward, continuing to remain focused on my goals, and get to a point where I can actually enjoy life. If you made it this far, thanks. I could post about a lot more stuff, but I think I've typed up enough words at this point. I'll save the rest for when people see me in person.
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